I really got into a funk after my group ride yesterday, and I've been thinking about why that is.Yes, I was disappointed that I wasn't strong on the hills, but I know that's temporary. For some reason my current fitness level got under my skin in a very deep way. Writing is a good way for me to process stuff, so here goes...
When the guy I was dating last year suggested I do a triathlon with him, I thought it would just be something fun to try. I had no idea I'd want to stick with it, let alone sign up for a half Ironman and hire a coach. I had no idea that triathlon would become something hugely meaningful in my life.
Why is it meaningful? I'm still noodling on that. It has somehow become the only thing in my lifetime that I feel compelled to conquer at all costs. I don't know why it's triathlon and not something else. I've never been athletic. I definitely grew up a tomboy and in many ways I'm more like a guy (especially in how I do business and how I think) but training for something is totally new to me. I confess, I've coasted a lot in my life. You can't coast in this. Which I love. Because through this process, I am finally discovering what I'm made of. I am transforming who I am at a very deep level, and this is my conduit.
Since I'm still getting accustomed to training and the schedule, sure, I grumble a bit. At times I've been tempted to cut a corner. But I know that I'd just be cheating myself... so I "suck it up buttercup", push through it, and somehow become more complete when I'm done. It's very gratifying, this training process. I'm training my mind and my will, as well as my body.
So because it's become hugely meaningful, it's become my guilty secret. Because I'm just starting out, I'm surrounded with people at my pace and level... and while they're totally delightful people, triathlon is just something they dabble in. It's fun, and good exercise and a good way to meet friends and potential dates. While I'm reading training articles and watching videos on swim technique, they have other priorities. A friend of mine said she wanted to improve her swimming, so I offered to videotape her stroke. She declined. I don't really understand this. But they're not me, and that's fine.
What is difficult is that everyone in my immediate circle thinks I'm nuts. My family doesn't really get it. My friends don't get it. And even my friends in the shallow end of triathlon don't want to talk about it for more than 15 minutes if we're out socially. So I feel like an outsider. And the people who are in the deep end of triathlon, I can't hang with yet. It's like I'm the little kid who wants to sit at the grown-ups' table... I have to earn my way there. And in the meantime I'm caught in this no-man's land, not really fitting in anywhere.
Lately I've been quite the hermit. I already have too much of a solitary lifestyle... I work alone and I live alone. I used to get my social need met through the vast abundance of social events in San Francisco that all seem to revolve around wine. But that's not appealing anymore. I want to connect through sport and triathlon, but I don't yet feel like I fit in. There are some friends I'll probably start riding with a couple times a month who are at my pace so that I can get my basic social need met, but it's not the same as surrounding myself with people for whom this sport is as meaningful as it is to me. Right now I'm feeling really lonely.
The good news is, I know that this won't last. Yes, I can be impatient... and it's not really because I want to finish at x time in my next race. It's because I want to be able to sit at the grownups' table. I want to train with like-minded people... to connect and feel included. Is it any wonder I'd rather stay home and read your blogs on a Friday night rather than hang out with people who don't get me? You get it. I wish I could train with you, but I'm not ready yet.
Maybe you've been where I'm at... maybe you haven't. Regardless, thanks for reading and joining me on my journey. I'm looking forward to week 4. The process of writing this down has gotten me recharged. My legs are still sore from the past couple days and I'm glad that tomorrow's a swim day. But I'm looking forward to my bike fit tomorrow (when I'll replace my borrowed aero bars with new ones of my own) and getting back on the trainer on Tuesday. Let's get to work, my friends! Let's find out what we're made of.
Well said. I remember feeling this way- sort of- when I first started out. But see, I was dating a guy who was a pro and for him to go run 10 miles was absolutely nothing... so I just did that too. Normal, right? Sure, until I got injured over and over again. (Why didn't he warn me? He wasn't that smart. That's why we are not together now! Ha! :) I think I spent much of the first 2 years I did triathlons sitting on the sidelines injured b/c I "hung out at the grown ups table". Very frustrating! I hear what you are saying though. Too bad there aren't really any shortcuts. Luckily though, there are lots of people out there who likely feel the same way you do. You just have to find them in SFO! ;)
Posted by: Michelle Simmons | 01/23/2011 at 10:02 PM
Oh yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. It's not like that anymore for me, but it was for the first couple years. The training, the workload, the slow progress is all part of the process. Hang in there! You will find your niche :) PROMISE!
Posted by: Elizabeth | 01/24/2011 at 06:10 AM
I sooooo know what you are talking about. I'm still not quite at the grownups table speedwise, compared to so many of my fast friends, but I'm more confident in my strengths. (This was my story of how I got started - http://muppetdogs.blogspot.com/2008/09/how-i-got-here-part-2.html) It does take finding those friends and training partners who don't mind talking tri all the time! I know I can talk about it a LOT, which means sometimes I see it start going in one ear and out the other on my husband :-) You're on the road forward, it's only upward and faster from here!
Posted by: Molly | 01/24/2011 at 08:12 AM
Great post, reminds me of another post I wrote a long time ago (http://tridiesel.blogspot.com/2010/08/you-might-surprise-yourself.html)
we are a special breed, the main reason I think we blog, is because we follow and are followed by fellow endurance athletes, we get and understand each other
I am having a hard time adding your blog to my google reader
Posted by: Scott | 01/24/2011 at 12:17 PM
Hang in there! You will find your community. When you're new to it, going out for group rides or runs can be really depressing. It seems like everyone else is faster than you. After a while you'll start to get to know people. You'll start to go faster and build your confidence about group activities, which helps you find more buddies. The process starts once you're seen as a regular somewhere, the pool, spin class, gym, or the local run circuit.
Posted by: Keith | 01/27/2011 at 10:10 AM
I have been involved in triathlon since 1982 and have raced over 100 tris (I don't count any other events like cycling or swimming altho we ARE keeping track of our Alcatraz crossings!)
I don't know how long you have been in the sport, but I hope you keep your enthusiasm for a long time. Just a hint tho: talk triathlon to those who do it and find something else to discuss to those who don't. You will find plenty who want to talk tri-they are out there and here. And be patient. You want to do this a long time from now, right? Happy training!
Posted by: cheryl | 01/27/2011 at 05:26 PM
I thought I posted this earlier but maybe not. Agreed on the calendar photos.
Also I made your blog "Blog Of The Day" on enduranceathleteproject.com 's Facebook page
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/enduranceathleteprojectcom/159993617378441
Posted by: 17281posse | 01/27/2011 at 08:28 PM
The people in the shallow end of tri have their priorities straight and the deep enders-well they really have nothing else going on in their lives except training and racing.
The question is...where do you want to end up?
Just putting it out there.
Posted by: cheryl | 01/31/2011 at 06:08 AM
I just found you. I am very impressed. I am preparing for a very difficult professional license examination, and started to use the same techniques you are using for your triathlon. It is like you said "my personal guilty secret", I am beginning to love the material and topics I will be tested on. In addition, it is a lonely ride, no social life until the exam date Keep on blogging please, it is INSPIRING.
thanks
Posted by: Nancy | 02/26/2011 at 12:12 PM